Pretty much everyday when I go onto Facebook I see a post or a link or a meme about toddlers. Maybe I notice them more because I have a 2 year old. Or maybe it is just because it seems like toddlers are the cutest yet most volatile group of humans that exist (maybe that is a slight exaggeration, but only slight)! Anybody who has been around a toddler for more than 5 minutes knows that in just a moment they can go from being cute and spouting off all the wonderful things they know like counting, people's names, or that one word that they never say right (for my son it is "soup" but he pronounces it "poop", I die every time) to, all the sudden, acting like WWIII has begun and they are the monster who is setting out to destroy the world. In all actuality, they just might be. I can't read their minds so maybe that IS their ultimate goal. But that is a topic for another day. As a parent or a caregiver of one of these creatures, what in the world do you do when that monster replaces your beautiful baby (or your precocious 5 year old or your handsome 8 year old with the funny looking teeth because half are baby and half are grown-up teeth)!?! Speaking of those beautiful babies, you would never imagine that cute kid up above ever throws tantrums!! Yet if you closely enough, you can see the mischief in his eyes! :)
Disclaimer #1: I, for sure, do not have all of the answers and I am positive that there will be more blog posts about this topic as I learn more, but I would like to share some of the things that I have learned in recent months from much smarter people than me. I will also share with you one of my recent finds that has been amazing.
Disclaimer #2: Each child is very different so no two children will respond the same way to the same things. Please always listen to your inner mommy voice and if something doesn't feel right to you or doesn't work for you, then it is perfectly fine not to do it, even if it seems like everybody else is doing it and it is working for them. Unfortunately children do not come with a manual, so most of parenting is trial and error!
First of all, I saw this picture on Facebook recently. I love it and recommend that you start with this for understanding your child.
For me, I realized that my son falls into the physical touch category. He has always liked to sleep with someone nearby and will even reach out in his sleep to see if there is someone there (and if there isn't he usually ends up coming to get one of us). When he wakes up from a nap he likes to snuggle for a little while before he is ready to play. He just loves and craves physical touch.
Before I had children, I had always told myself that I would never spank and I would find other ways to discipline, but after I had my second child I found myself increasingly losing patience and occasionally resorting to spanking, but each time I did that he acted out more. I was completely at a loss. Looking at this chart, it makes sense. What he really wants is physical touch that is soft and kind. So I have started implementing hugging and holding. Now when he acts out or throws a tantrum, I try to bend down to his level or pick him up and just hug him. Most of the time it works, but sometimes it doesn't. That is actually disclaimer #3: don't expect anything to work 100% of the time. Remember, these creatures are irrational and volatile! :) But more often than not, responding with positive touch is likely to diffuse most children. Here is another good article about this idea: http://familyshare.com/parenting/one-simple-way-to-deflect-your-childs-tantrums?Bentley
Now onto my recent find that I want to share. On a Facebook group that I belong to a fellow mom asked for advice on how to deal with her 3 year old that was exceptionally challenging to discipline. I immediately perked up when I saw that and started reading the responses. That is where I found out about a book called: Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Dr. Becky Bailey (in fact, I love it so much that I want to send a free copy to one of our readers, details below).
In this book Dr. Bailey's main point is that discipline should involve teaching and we cannot teach something we do not know. She also believes that disciple is all about self-control. What we really want from our children is for them to control their actions and words and follow guidance and direction, basically to have self-control. Yet as adults, we are usually sadly lacking a lot of self-control. Look at your most recent encounter with your children when they were acting out. Did you find yourself yelling, using physical punishment, or even doing what you are telling them not to do? She uses the example of a mother telling one child to not take toys from another child, as she is taking the toy from them both. What kind of message is that sending to our children? One of "do as I say not as I do".
So the first step is to learn self-control for ourselves. It is all about taking time when you are in the moment to stop and take a deep breath and think about the outcomes that you want and focus on that. If you are only focusing on what you DON'T want the child to do then you will end up with negative actions more often than not, but if you focus on what you want them to do, then they are more likely to do that. For instance, if I want my son to stop hitting me or his sister, instead of saying "Don't hit me" I say "please come hold my hand" or "let me show you how to touch sister gently". This takes away the action that I don't want and replaces it with something that I do want. This also removes the "discipline" and instead turns it into a teaching moment. It is important to remember that children are sponges just waiting to absorb information so as a parent it is essential that we give them good information to absorb.
This is a good time to share something else that seems to help my son calm down (and me). I have found that deep breathing helps both of us come out of the moment and refocus on the good. This is my process: I take his hands, close my eyes, ask him to close his and we take three deep breaths together. This helps us both to calm down and my son usually starts laughing because he sees it as me blowing into his face! :) Hey, whatever works!
The last thing I want to touch on, in this blog post, is the idea that Dr. Bailey presents, that we often use fear as a form of discipline. This was a new thought for me but it really makes sense. If you think about the things that you say to your children or do when you discipline them you will probably notice some of this too. Even something as simple as timeout is fear based. It shows children that they are left alone with their feelings. I have to say that after reading this part of the book I felt like it was hopeless and anything that I did was just going to ruin my children, but as I continued to read I began to understand what she is suggesting. She isn't saying that discipline is bad, just that punishments often do get us the desired outcome. Sure, your child may start to obey and may stop doing an action, but more often than not it isn't because they want to or because they understand why they should stop, it is because they fear the punishments. However, if we take the time, we can teach them WHY they should change their behavior and help them learn to control their actions so as teenagers and adults they will have this wonderful skill. Now this is not an overnight change for both you and your child, but consistency is key and eventually, together, you will figure out a system that works for you. Also it is important to tailor the discipline to the age. To expect a 2 year old to understand things on the same level as a 7 year old is just asking for added frustration, so make sure you keep in mind their ability to process what you are teaching them.
Disclaimer #4: For discipline to be effective, it will require time and effort. Punishments are relatively easy because you just dole out the punishment and then go on with things until the next time they act out. However, if you desire to try these different ways of disciplining it will take time to teach your child. You will also have to teach them the same lessons over and over again. Remember, you are teaching little humans that are not very good at adapting lessons from one instance to another. They see you saying "Don't touch the baby!" as meaning right now, it doesn't apply to when they want to touch the baby in 5 minutes! :)
As a bonus, I want to direct you to an article I just read this morning that I really found enlightening. http://happinessishereblog.com/2015/02/punishment-vs-natural-consequences/ She sums up this discussion nicely by stating that teaching a child using natural consequences is much more effective than trying to teach them using punishments that really have nothing to do with the action!
SO bottom line, discipline is an essential, necessary, and not always enjoyable part of parenting, but as long as we dedicate the time and energy needed, it will not only benefit our children and us now, but it will teach them many wonderful life skills. Good luck and schedule a pedicure to reward yourself for starting this process! xoxo
GIVEAWAY
Now that you have made it through my thoughts, I want to give you all a chance to win a copy of Dr. Bailey's book. All you have to do is comment below with a topic that you would like to see us talk about on the blog and you are entered! Check back here next Friday for the announcement of the winner.
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